It's okay to be afraid, my little fighter
by Akuma no Uta
Summary: He was whimpering in a corner, practically hyperventilating, changing his position all the time and having no idea how to place himself since his right arm was covered in blood. WARNINGS: Probably bad English, OOCness, illegal amount of fluff, flashbacks filled with blood. Kinda like a sister fic to Claustrophobic.
1. There's blood

**So, here it is! This will probably have two chapters too.**

**I'm sorry if I use some bad and colorless English, it's not my national language. **

**As I promised, this time it's Miwa comforting Kai! I actually had a lot of ideas for this one and it took two days just to pick one of them... So I hope you like it ^.^**

**If you're wondering why I'm going on about Miwa's smile all the time, the answer is simple: I AM IN LOVE WITH HIS SMILE! I still don't get how Misaki managed to beat him in ep 120 instead of just simply melting in front of his smile!**

**Title: It's okay to be afraid, my little fighter**

**Fandom: Cardfight! Vanguard **

**Rating: T (the second chapter will be kinda bloody and all...)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned this, Miwa and Kai would be practically a couple. Are they? No. I don't own CFV.**

A normal late Saturday afternoon at Card Capital. There weren't many people, but the main group stayed loyal and helped team Q4 practice. As Kai hadn't shown himself in a while, Miwa had taken it as his role to kick everyone's ass with a Kagero deck. And he was just searching for his next victim.

"Okay, who's next!?" the always so cheerful blonde asked, his trademark glacier-melting smile plastered on his face.

"Me next, senpai!" Miwa heard Kamui's voice behind him and turned around to shuffle his kouhai's hair.

"Sure thi- hn?" Miwa was distracted by his phone. He took it out and his expression turned into a slightly surprised one.

"Sorry, I'll get this first", he smiled apologetically and answered.

"Yo, Kai! What's up?"

"…_Mi… Miwa…"_ a faint, trembling voice whispered on the other end. Miwa frowned, now worried.

"Yeah, it's me. What's wrong?"

"_There's… blood and…" _Now Miwa was fully alert.

"Where are you?" His voice was full of concern.

"…_home… Miwa, there's… blood…"_

"Hold on, calm down, I'm coming. It's alright. Calm down." He ended the call with that. He turned to look at Kamui.

"We'll play later, gotta go. Sorry." He ran out of the shop and left behind five confused people.

* * *

Miwa slammed Kai's apartment's door open and ran straight into the bathroom to get the first-aid kit. Then he turned the whole apartment upside down in a minute before finding Kai in a little corner in his kitchen. No words were said, Miwa could clearly see the mess. A broken glass on the floor, a lot of blood dripping from the sharp corner of the counter. Kai was whimpering in a corner, practically hyperventilating, changing his position all the time and having no idea how to place himself since his right arm was covered in blood.

Miwa sat next to Kai and opened the first-aid kit. Then he carefully rolled Kai's ripped sleeve up and started cleaning the nasty wound in his forearm, continuously mumbling soothing words and trying to calm the panicking boy down.

Finished with the cleaning, he bandaged Kai's trembling arm and put the first-aid kit away. Then he leaned closer, wrapped his arms protectively around Kai's shaking form and started drawing formless lines on his back, hoping to calm him down a bit.

"Kai…"

No response.

"Ne, Kai… Can you move?"

A barely noticeable nod and a pathetic whimper trying to sound something like choked "yeah". Miwa stood up and offered his arm to Kai, who grabbed it and for a second Miwa thought that he was going to break it. He placed his left hand on Kai's trembling one which was squeezing his right arm like a life line. Miwa gently grabbed Kai's quivering wrist and pulled the shaking boy up, only to find himself catching the brunette as his knees buckled under him.

Kai was terrified. As he almost fell, he saw the mess on his right. There was blood. Miwa could feel Kai stiffen in his arms and decided that the first thing he needed to do was to get Kai out of the kitchen. With that, he practically dragged Kai into his bedroom as the trembling brunette tried to move his shaking legs which felt like overcooked noodles.

Kai fell on the bed with a small _thud_ and immediately curled up into a ball, almost like wanting to make himself disappear. Choked sobs filled the small room. Miwa sat on the bed, somehow got Kai to sit up and started peeling him out of his bluish gray, light jacket. He had rolled the sleeve up so no blood could be seen, and now he tried to keep the blood from showing as he tenderly took the jacket off of the brunette's trembling shoulders.

As Miwa threw the jacket to a corner of the room, his expression turned into a worried frown. Kai looked too thin. It had been a while since the last time they had seen each other since it was break from school and Kai liked to be alone, but as Miwa watched Kai, he mentally slapped himself for not even trying to get Kai out (well, he had tried calling, Kai just said no every time) or even popping up at his place at least once. Great, one problem more. Remind Kai of the fact that humans have to eat.

He stirred from his thoughts as he felt Kai clutch his shirt and nuzzle his head into his chest. He felt the hot tears trickling down Kai's face and falling on his shirt, and he pulled Kai into a warm embrace once again. They sat like that for a while, until Miwa suddenly heard a choked gasp, partly muted by his shirt, and the next thing he knew, Kai had bolted out of the room. He sighed and followed Kai walking.

He knew what was going on. Of course. Kai had seen blood. It had made him nauseous even before _the incident_, and after that, Kai had practically thrown his guts up every time he had had a panic attack.

But at the second he looked inside the bathroom, another concern wiped away everything else. Kai was heaving over the toilet bowl with a pained wince on his usually so stoic face, but save for saliva, nothing was coming up. Absolutely nothing. As he stopped and curled up to himself again, Miwa walked to him and crouched in front of him, his face showing no signs of his usual mid-summer-sun smile.

"Oh Kai…" he sighed and smiled sadly. He pulled Kai up and in practical terms carried him back into his room. As they returned to their former position, Kai started sobbing again. Miwa started drawing lines on his back once again, now examining the brunette's emaciated back. To his horror, he could clearly feel his bones even through the loose shirt. Kai had always been thin, but only thin. Not a skeleton, except for the few times when he hadn't eaten properly in weeks for various reasons. Sometimes, he went on for days completely without eating, either because he simply forgot or just because he didn't want to.

Kai didn't have any kind of eating disorder, he just didn't like eating alone in his small apartment. It made him remember that he had no family to eat with, thus he often ended up ditching the food and just lying on his bed trying to not cry. But he also disliked crowds and therefore he didn't want to go eat out. Miwa slapped himself mentally again. How could he have forgotten? Kai couldn't handle crowds alone. He just simply started panicking and eventually called Miwa from some empty alley he had found.

Miwa felt the brunette stir a little and push himself a little apart from him. The wet turquoise eyes looked at his blue ones, a bit confused. Miwa decided that Kai was now calm enough to have a decent conversation, so he inhaled deeply and carefully asked his question.

"Kai, when was the last time you ate something? And what did you eat?" Kai looked confused for a second. Miwa placed his hand on Kai's shoulder – which wasn't trembling much anymore – and a worried frown took over his features once again.

"Kai, it's been two weeks since the last time I saw you and you've lost a lot of weight. And judging by what just happened, you haven't eaten anything in a while." Miwa's voice was full of concern and Kai was starting to feel slightly guilty. He wanted Miwa to smile. He had never said it and he probably never would, but he liked Miwa's smile. It was warm and it silently told him that there still was someone who cared for him. Miwa's smile was like the sun, it melted away the thick ice he had covered his heart with, and never failed to rip him out of his agony. Yup, he felt guilty as hell, just for giving the blonde a reason to not smile.

Kai blinked a few times, trying to think of an answer to the asked questions. Then he started with a hoarse, tired voice.

"… I think it was on Thursday… in the afternoon… probably instant noodles or something…"

"Kai! You need to eat!"

"... I know…"

"... Sorry, shouldn't have yelled. But Kai, why haven't you eaten? You could have just called me if you didn't want to eat alone… I would've come." The gentle smile graced Miwa's features.

"You have your own life. I can't call you every day just because I can't do the simple task of _eating_ without someone around." Kai was clearly beating himself for it, but the answer was blunt and almost Kai-like.

Miwa pulled Kai into a hug again.

"Kai, listen to me. You're the most important of my friends. I'd postpone a match, a date and anything else if it was to help you. You're way more important. I'll come if you call, no matter what it is. You need to eat and you're gonna get depressed again if you end up having nasty flashbacks. Kai, it's okay. It's fine, it's understandable after what happened and you don't need to be ashamed or beat yourself up for it. It's okay, I'll be there for you." Miwa released Kai from the hug to take a look at his face and smiled gently. The turquoise eyes simply stared at him, showing a large spectrum of emotions.

"You have to eat. I'm not gonna force anything down your throat now, but do you want something?"

"... Not now..."

"Okay, then I'll feed you later. I'm gonna go check what you have and clean that mess in your kitchen. You can be alone for a moment, right?"

"Yeah... thanks, and... sorry..." Kai's voice faded into a barely audible whisper.

"Anytime, Kai." A smile and the blonde was gone.

* * *

Miwa came back and found Kai resting his head against the wall, barely able to keep his eyes open.

"You have some instant noodles. Do you eat anything else or have you just been lazy? Anyway, you're gonna eat in the morning. Now you're going to sleep, you're tired."

Kai flinched at his words slightly and his eyes widened.

"I'm not going to sleep."

"Kai, you-"

"No. I'd just... I'd just have nightmares and..."

"Kai... I'll be here when you wake up, okay? It's fine, Kai. You're tired. Sleep. I'm not gonna leave you alone, 'kay?" Miwa's smile was so gentle, his voice was soft and his whole being was just so calming that Kai found himself nodding lightly and drifting off quite quickly. He slammed his head into his pillow and fell asleep. Miwa smiled as he took a spare futon out of Kai's closet and set it on the floor before taking his orange jacket off and falling asleep himself.

**So, what is this **_**incident**_**? Curious? Don't worry, you'll get to know if you're patient enough to wait for the next chapter.**

**I don't know how quickly the second chapter will be out, the past week has been a hell. First time at school in two weeks (first we had our school musical and then it was one-week break) and we had two tests right away. We watched some really depressing/oppressive video, it made me snap and now I'm kinda addicted to cutting again. I'm in the ninth grade so and applying to high school just started, I gotta study a lot, there's a lot of stress, my laptop keeps crashing on me and I was really close to a panic attack at school on Friday - twice. So, updating may take from two to three weeks. I hope you understand.  
**

**Reviews are very much appreciated~  
**


	2. My little fighter

**Well this took a lot less time than I thought it would :D**

**Okay, well, since in the flashback in ep 49 Kai only mentioned that he lost his parents because of an 'accident', I decided to have some serious fun. I know I'm a sadistic psycho, but hey, don't like don't read. **

**So, some more about what I was thinking when I came up with this:**

**Since Kai only mentioned an 'accident', it could be practically anything, ne? So I was thinking, maybe it wasn't actually an accident, but an incident so traumatizing that Kai has to lie to himself to keep himself from completely breaking down (yes, I know I'm nuts and I'm pretty damn proud of it). Well that's pretty much it, plus I wanted to hurt him a lot so Miwa has something to repair. And yes, for the umpteenth time, I know I'm a psychopath. And I'm still proud of it. Why does it feel like every sentence I write just makes you more convinced that I should be in a mental hospital? Nah, geniuses have the right to be a bit crazy (you understand this is a joke, right?). **

**By the way, it really pisses me off that I can't write brutal, bloody descriptions in English. Hell, I'm a master at it in Finnish! Yeah, a couple more years for school, maybe then I can... Seriously, I know I'm way too annoyed by it but still. **

**Disclaimer: Do you really think I'd be writing a motherfucking fic if I owned CFV?**

_There are two men in the room. The other has a baseball bat and a gun, the other has several sharp knives. They're looking around in the dimly lit room, as if searching for something. There are two bodies, a man and a woman, on the floor. Both of them are in their early thirties, the boy in the little closet knows. He doesn't see; he can't see their faces and even if he could, they would be covered in blood. So maybe it's just good that their lifeless faces are not turned to him. For the boy knows that they're dead. They were shot, many times. They were stabbed many times. The other guy hit the woman with his baseball bat. Twice. Then he shot her. Many, way too many times. Then he turned to face the man and shot him too, as the other guy was busy stabbing the woman._

_And there was blood. There was a lot of blood. There still is, it's just not oozing from the wounds like a waterfall anymore. The little boy in the closet is doing his best to keep quiet, to not scream or cry, to not throw up at the sight of his bleeding parents. _

_He forces himself to keep his breathing shallow and hopefully soundless even as the men leave the room. They are searching for him, he knows it. And they will come back. Back to this room, open the closet and kill him too, just as they killed his parents. His beautiful, kind mother whose smile was like the sun itself and when she laughed, the whole world seemed to brighten. His strong, intelligent and loving father who built all kinds of awesome toys, taught him to play his favorite card game and helped him with his homework, a smile always evident in his whole being. _

_And now his loving and kind parents are lying on the floor, bloody and lifeless. They tried to protect him. Told him to run, to hide, and that's what he did. But the killers cornered them in the same room and killed them in front of their young son. _

_And then they come back. The boy keeps his breathing shallow, hoping that they won't find him. But what is this? He has this weird feeling that the police should be here by now. He has this feeling that he has experienced this before. He can feel the panic going wild inside him, but he forces it to keep its head down. Not now, not yet. _

_Then the guy with the baseball bat opens the closet._

"_My my, what do we have here?" the venomous voice asks._

_And the boy screams._

* * *

"KAI!"

He woke up as he felt someone shaking his shoulders rather forcefully. He tore himself away from the touch and curled up to himself as he felt the wall behind him, whimpering slightly.

"Kai..." He heard the concerned voice. Not the voice of that guy with a baseball bat who broke his mother's arm and wanted to kill him too. No, this voice was kind. Kind and worried. He raised his head and looked into the blue orbs in the dark room.

"Kai, it was just a nightmare, okay? It isn't gonna hurt you. It's not real, alright?"

He kept looking and listened. He found himself nodding just enough to see, and next he was pulled into a warm embrace. _(A/N: Hell, I really like to make them hug...)_

"It's alright. It's not real. Everything's okay. It's not real." Miwa kept muttering while drawing circles on Kai's back. Then he heard a muffled whimper sounding like "no".

"Huh?"

"...N-no... It was real... they ki-killed them... and there was blood... and they... they w-wanted to... ki... kill me... too... But this t-time the police didn't c-come a-and they fo... found me and-" He stopped as a sob wrecked his thin frame. Miwa hugged him a little tighter.

"It's not happening anymore. It happened years ago. No one is going to kill you. I'm here, I won't let anything bad happen to you. You'll be fine, calm down. Everything is alright. Oh hell, Kai, just calm down before you pass out..." Miwa's tone was slowly turning into pleading.

Kai clearly calmed down a little, still letting out a choked sob once in a while but otherwise his crying was mostly just silent tears wetting Miwa's white t-shirt. After what felt like hours, Kai had finally stopped crying uncontrollably.

"...'m pathetic... 'nd weak..." he murmured quietly into Miwa's shirt. Miwa's hands halted and silence filled the room. The blonde seemed to be deep in thought for a short moment until he spoke.

"No you're not. Why would you be? Being afraid isn't weakness, Kai. It just shows you're a human. No matter how tough you might be, being afraid is not a sign of weakness." Miwa let go of Kai so he could look at him. Then he cupped the brunette's cheek and looked deep into the turquoise orbs.

"Kai, you are not weak or pathetic. You're a fighter. You're strong. You withstood it all. It's okay to let it all out once in a while."

He moved his hand to Kai's chin and pressed their lips together. Then he hugged him once again and murmured softly:

"It's okay to be afraid, my little fighter."

**I WARNED YOU!**

**Ugh, seriously, this is such a cliché... And sounds awful lot like **_**Claustrophobic**_**... **

**And now, just because I can, let me give you a rant about the last episode of Link Joker-hen (ep 163). **

**WHY THE FUCK WAS AICHI TOUCHING KAI! I mean, I had about seven minutes left when my friend came over. She sat on my bed watching as I was finishing the episode as I started screaming and raging. Her reaction was something like "Oh, you really don't like that blue-haired one, huh..." And one reason I make Kai and Miwa hug so often is probably because I'm very bitter about few facts. 1) Miwa didn't hug Kai when the latter finally returned to normal and came down with Aichi, 2) AICHI TOOK KAI'S HAND WHY DIDN'T MIWA HUG HIM and 3) Kai called **_**Aichi**_** his best friend. SERIOUSLY WHY DID HE DO THAT!**

**Yeah well ToshiTai shipper's rant over, hope you liked the fic xD**

**Oh and to FeastofDreams: **Should I hold back? I don't like to hold back, hell, I'm a sadistic bitch! xD And believe me when I say (or write or whatever), I got myself a scar while changing the sheets to my bed, everything is possible. I've also managed to make myself bleed by getting hit by completely round objects xD And about the fear of crowds (from which I suffer myself too): well, yes and no. The idea of that too had been in my head for a long time. I had no idea how to write about it so I kinda buried that idea and you reminded me of it :)

**Reviews are very appreciated~ ^.^**


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